Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
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I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own