Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
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I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Lmao
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood