“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
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My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”