Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
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I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.