who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
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I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.