A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Midwest trash talk
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Brands during Pride
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet