Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
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If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter