I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”