I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Sign at work today
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”