Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!