My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
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I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.