Fights fire with marshmallows
You Might Also Like
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.