People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
You Might Also Like
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“i miss shittin on people”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.