So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
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“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”