me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important