I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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This is always good for a laugh.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
the three branches of government
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.