dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
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I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I have so many questions.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[on my way back to the posting caves]
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times