People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
You Might Also Like
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.