*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
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If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.