Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
You Might Also Like
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Terribly Tuesday.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.