I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
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[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”