Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
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Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.