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I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.