“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
#catsoftwitter
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla