My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Meme Monday.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I never needed anything more in my life
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice