Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
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Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
monday
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Isn’t
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.