putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
You Might Also Like
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
<—- homeless romantic
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Rambo Rambow
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it