I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
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Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.