I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
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The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
If a snake ate a cake
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.