[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
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Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.