If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
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[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever