Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats