*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
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If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.