Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.