*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
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There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!