Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
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Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
A French press is when you hug naked
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*