I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Blew my mind.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!