[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
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my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
😬
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”