[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
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Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert