All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
You Might Also Like
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.