[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
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Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that