video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
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So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit