HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
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8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
bro what is going on at twitter