I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
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Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
In banana years, I am bread.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Ironic
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.