Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
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I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.