I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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Merica.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Has science gone too far?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Bro what is this
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.