Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
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If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her