When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.