I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
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I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class