1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
For those that worship cheese..
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?